First Journal Entry: August 5, 2023

First Journal Entry: August 5, 2023

Today is my first day journaling about AJ. My doula recommended it and I'm giving it a try. I have soooo much to say, but my hand can't write that fast. Beginning with my emotions, I'll take it slow. I am exhausted, confused, vulnerable, and heart broken. I carried my son for 9 months, felt him move, watched him grow, and birthed him... yet, I hadn't realized he was different. I hadn't paid enough attention to the signs; I took his lack of movement for, "He's going to be my chill baby. He seems lazy". When in fact, it's the first sign of kids with a disability in the womb.

I'm not ready to go too far tonight with this journaling thing. It's already been a month he's been in the NICU and I am coping just fine without it! I really just don't want to get too emotional before bed, thinking of all his complications. I hope the nurses are treating him right.. God, let me stop. I prefer to focus on the fact he is still here, healthy, growing, and absolutely thriving. I just wanted my emotions to be captured for the time being and as time passes, I'll open up.

AJ, mommy loves you more than you would, could, and should imagine. I'd trade my life and soul to God, to save yours. Even if it meant you'd only see the sunlight outside of the NICU once. My sweet precious baby, you are so blessed and loved already on the outside. Yet all you know is me.

My womb, my smell, my touch, my scent, my taste, my love. My sweet peanut, I love you and I'll always be here, there, wherever you are.

-Mommy 10:07 p.m.