Birth of AJ: "How are you feeling mama"

AJ was born 36 weeks' gestation, weighing 6 lbs. and 4 ounces. I had AJ naturally but required Penicillin to stimulate the birth. I was seen in the ER 3 times within the last 3 weeks, due to a concern I had for lack of fetal movement. Each time I was told things were fine and it's normal for babies to slow their movements, as space becomes limited within the womb. I tried to go and see my regular OBGYN, but they denied me a visit and encouraged me to keep going to the Emergency Room, as there was nothing they could do, that I couldn't do myself.

My fourth time going into the emergency room the OBGYN monitored the baby for two hours and stated it was "against her medical advice for me to leave." Finally, some validation! I felt a wave of emotions. I had been complaining of this for so long and it felt good to know that I was right, but I was scared because I had no idea what that she meant by that. I called my husband and my doula and told them that it was time for the baby to come on out! My doula was absolutely amazing; she had the Lavender aroma with the diffuser and cold towels around my neck. She was motivating and encouraging, but not in the obnoxious kind of way; and I love how she advocates for me! Every time a nurse would push for epidural, she would remind me to stick to the birth plan. She helped deliver two of my sons and calls me the "birthing goddess". And my husband, I love that man. I know his hands were tired, but not for a second did he stop massaging me; my back, my legs, my butt, shoulders, I just needed him to keep rubbing! Wherever I needed him to rub, lay, or squeeze he was there. The position that seemed to work best for me is sitting on the birthing ball, with Julius behind me, lifting up my heavy belly and massaging that lower abdomen area. It relieved a lot of tension and weight from the contractions. Thankfully, AJ took to the Penicillin immediately and I was only in labor for 3 in a half hours before he came.

When AJ first came out, he was nonresponsive. Even after normal birthing procedures, he still hadn't taken a breath. When he finally came too, all hell broke lose, it was worse than when he wasn't breathing. Nurses were concerned with how shallow his breathing was, his appearance, and the color of his skin. Everything was moving so quickly I just heard noise, chatter, and seen a glimpse of him before he was transferred to the NICU. My placenta wasn't even out before he was rolled out the room.

I was in so much pain and things were moving so fast I didn't really understand what was going on. When I finally got cleaned up and settled into my room, my husband took me over to see AJ. He was connected to various medical devices and monitors, indicating the specialized care he obviously required. The nurse explained that AJ had trouble breathing on his own. That his respirations were too low, so he required oxygen. The cords on his chest were to monitor his heart rate, the one on the heel of his foot was to monitor his oxygen saturation, and the tube in his nose was oxygen. Unable to speak, I just watched over my baby. He looked different. He had a small head, didn't have much of a chin, his skin was a mixture of blue, yellow, and black, and he had clenched fingers, clubbed feet, and tiny folded in ears.

After some time, my husband and I head back to the room. I could tell Julius was just as confused as I was, but to keep me from becoming an emotional wreck, he'd comfort me. So, Julius and I chatted, joked, recorded our stay, slept, I pumped and begged the nurse for something stronger than Gabapentin, and later on we went back to check on AJ. Only now, he had a tube going through his nose. I asked about it and the nurse explained that AJ could not take milk by mouth due to his difficulties breathing. Every time they bottle fed, his respirations would go down and heart rate would go up. Indicating he's not getting enough air. She then encouraged me to try and breastfeed AJ since I was pumping anyhow. I was cautions of that due to all the cords he had attached to him and declined. I wanted to breastfeed, but that wasn't how I imagined. As a matter of fact, none of this is how I thought it'd be after giving birth.

After being in the Mother & Baby ward for 3 days doing the same routine with my husband, it became old. I knew I was going to have to leave soon, but AJ was still in the NICU. I wanted answers, a time frame, an explanation. I wanted to know what in the hell was really going on with my baby. As I became more frantic and emotional on that third day, the tears start rolling. I was such a mess that the nurse finally offered me something to relax without me having to ask. She sends in the birthing counselor who then recommends Zoloft. I guess she knew more than I did. She knew AJ wasn't coming home with me. But at the end of the day, no amount of Zoloft could have EVER prepared me to roll out that Mother & Baby ward with no baby.

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